Monday, July 14, 2008

I like my men in clean white coats.

Let me tell you about my Saturday... I'm going to warn you right now, it was rough.

The morning started with my two older boys throwing up in the living room. Why can't children stay in bed if they are feeling sick? They always seem to throw up in exactly the same spot, too. Hubby cleaned up the first one (which happened to be in "his chair"). I cleaned up the second one which was on the carpet right in the middle of the living room.

Somewhere in the vomiting chaos, my two-year old monster decided to take my laptop, cell phone, and two iPods (Hubby got me a new Nano, and I was playing with them both before bed.) to his room with the bottle of cleaner that I was using to scrub the floor. Mind you this was all before my breakfast caffeine, and I was busily scrubbing, completely unaware that he sneaked off with all this. Yes, it's coming. He sprayed them all with Pinesol.

My poor laptop never had a chance. My iPods were protected by their silicon cases. My cell phone was next in line for the disinfecting when I caught him.

I had to get out of the house. My nerves were already frayed from a rainy Friday spent cooped up with the kids, and I wasn't mentally prepared for all of that before breakfast. I scooped up my pine-scented wet electronics, and dropped them on the bed next to groggy Hubby. "I think it's dead. He killed it, and I have to leave, now." I quickly changed out of my vomit-scented pajamas and grabbed my purse. We have a Saturday tradition of Dunkin' Donuts, so that's where I went.

Upon my return, I fully admit to sitting in the driveway a few minutes to eat some of my bagel and drink some coffee. I couldn't sit for too long because I didn't have any good music to listen to, and my monster (who was banned to his room with a swat on the leg for his actions) had seen me and was standing up on his window sill yelling, because he knew I had donuts.

When I finally went inside, Hubby had my laptop in pieces on the kitchen table, drying it off with a hair dryer. The non-vomiting family members sat down and ate breakfast. Sometime in the chaos, I had texted my friend begging to go see a movie before I went totally looney, and she responded to finalize plans.

I was nice to Hubby and planned to get the church bulliten board done and go to the movies after two of the four kiddies were in bed. I still had to print up the picture for the bulliten board and assemble it before then anyway. Hubby spent some time finding a good picture while I went to WalMart to get an upolstery cleaner (remember the vomit chair?); I also had to get ink and photo paper. Hubby also fixed lunch while I was gone, and once again those not vomiting sat and ate cucumber and tomato salad for lunch.

I was cleaning up the lunch mess while Hubby started printing out the picture. In the middle of clearing the table, Hubby called me into the bedroom to look at what he was printing. I swear to you, I was only in there for 45 seconds. When I came out, Monster was sitting on the counter throwing salad into the air with the salad tongs. It just keeps getting better and better.

I snatched him down, swatted his leg and set him in the shower fully clothed. He had greasy arms and feta cheese in his hair. I asked Hubby if he wanted to clean the child (who had also pooped in his pants) or the kitchen, and he chose the kitchen without first surveying the damage. Let's just say that my leftover Pepsi from lunch was also involved. Half way through, I did offer to switch, but I couldn't really understand his mumbling, so I thought it was best to finish my half without bothering him anymore.

I didn't really want to let Monster take a nap, because he's old enough for napping to affect his bedtime, and I REALLY needed for him to go to sleep on time. So, I put in a movie he liked and gave him a blanket and a spot on the couch. He didn't stay there for long, and was "helping" me assemble the poster-sized Earth that I was hanging on the bulliten board. After almost an hour, I finally got the thing perfectly assembled, glued and trimmed, but I ran out of tape to re-inforce the seams. I checked Monster; I am positive that he was so busy watching his movie that he didn't notice me walk into my bedroom to get the roll of tape out of my desk drawer, but no. I came back out to him smearing purple gluestick on my hard work. I believe that I let out a half shriek, half soul wrenching wail, because he dropped the glue stick and took off. Fortunately it was on the back, and didn't affect the visible front. I don't remember much after that, but I believe Hubby took him back to his room and swatted his hand or leg or something.

I immediately took my poor Earth to safety in my locked van. I needed a long, hot shower after that. Of course, Monster fell asleep during his time served in solitary.

I know this is a long post, but I had to share it all. I think it's important that you all understand why, one of these days, I'm going to take a vacation with the nice men in white coats. I do love my children; I just need to be reminded of it from time to time.

Oh, and I finished the bulliten board, had a cup of coffee, and saw Sex and the City with my friend. The day definitely didn't end how it started.

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